The Real McCoys
Charlene’s got a new boyfriend. His name’s Wully McCoy an he’s a right nutcase an he’s in oor Registration class. Charlene thinks he’s pure brilliant cause he’s meant tae be the best fighter in oor year, an naebody messes wi him, an he jist tells the teachers tae eff off if he disnae want tae dae somethin.
Ma da grew up wi the McCoys. He says thir aw nutcases. The only decent wan oot the whole lot wis Alastair, he said. An he shot the craw an went tae live in England.
Wully McCoy’s got an empty this Friday night. Him an his big cousin are huvin a party in his hoose an Charlene wants me tae go wi her. Ah said naw. Charlene said, How no. Ah said, Cause ah jist don’t fancy it. Some pal you are, she said, How no but. Ah said, Cause ah’m no intae aw that drinkin palaver an that’s whit yees’ll aw be daein. Ah’ll tell yi whit, said Charlene, You can come an yi can sit there an be a pure square if yi want anen if anybody says anythin aboot how come yir no drinkin nen ah’ll jist get Wully tae batter them aright?
The McCoy’s used tae live in the big five apartment in the same street as ma da when he wis younger. Thir wis 14 ae them in the wan hoose an they wur always causin a riot: there wis auld Billy an his wife Moira (he wis an alky an she wis an idiot, said ma da); they had young Billy (that’s Wully McCoy’s da) an they cawd him Billy Boy McCoy. He coulda been a right good boxer by the way, said ma da, But he wis a show aff always bammin folk up an wan night these three guys leathert him an noo he’s no allowed near a ring cause he takes epileptic fits; then there wis the twins Rona an Nora, said ma da, (They’d four sets ae twins in the wan family) Rona wis the aulder wan by aboot two minutes an she’s got a boy that’s ages wi oor Karen, he said, She cawd him Billy McCoy an aw; after that thir wis Colin an Roland, he said, They wur in ma class at school an yi couldnae tell them apart; then there wis Alastair; then there wis John Boy an Jim Bob; then there wis young Moira; then there wis Ricky an Trudy; then they hud Linda McCoy an she’s only aboot eighteen or nineteen but she’s got a face lik a pit bull an she’s been in an oot the Cornton Vale jail lik a yo-yo.
Half ae first year are gaun tae Wully McCoy’s party. Ah tolt ma ma that ah wis stayin at Harpreet’s hoose an Charlene said she wis stayin at mine. Ah know fur a fact that ma ma willnae phone Harpreet’s hoose cause she cannae understaun Harpreet’s da’s accent. Ah said tae Charlene, Whit happens if your ma phones ma hoose. That’ll no happen, said Charlene, She’ll be too pished tae be bothern aboot me.
Me an Chris Rice are the only wans at the party that urnae drinkin an that’s cause he’s an epileptic. He did his English talk on it the other week an he got an A plus fur it cause he stood up in front ae the whole class an tolt us aboot aw the different seizures yi can take.
He wis sittin tellin me aboot how he’s got tae take tablets an how he’s no allowed tae eat an drink certain things when Charlene come up behind us an went WOOTWOOO right in wur ears. Ah said, Charlene whit yi daein. She wis staggern aboot an her eyes wur pure rid raw an she kept gaun WOOTWOOO WOOTWOOO lik she wis kiddin on she wis a bliddy owl or somethin. Charlene, ah said, Sit doon before yi faw doon. WOOTWOOO, she said, an then she startet singin, KIRSTY AN CHRISSIE UP A TREE…
Charlene wantet tae play spin the bottle. She kept tryin tae make it stop at me an Chris so we’d huv tae get off wi each other, but it never worked cause it kept landin at me an Wully. She let me spin it wans an it landet at her an Bunsen an that wis when she decidet tae abandon the game.
Charlene said she wantet tae show us somethin in the hall cupboard. She wouldnae say whit it wis, only that it wis dead cool. She took evrubdy oot the room wan by wan an showed them whit it wis an when it wis me an Chris Rice’s turn she said we could go thegether an look.
Ah stuck ma heid in the cupboard an ah said, Ah cannae see anythin. She said, Naw yi need tae go further in tae see it. Ah went right inside, right up tae the back ae the cupboard an there wis nothin there except auld pillas an blankets an bedsheets. Ah said, It might help if yi tell me whit it is ah’m suppost tae be seein. Charlene said, Chris you’ll need tae go in an show her, she said, Cause you’re no a blind bat lik her.
Charlene shut the door the behind us an then she startet laughin. HOI, ah shoutet, YIR NO FUNNY IT’S PITCH BLACK IN HERE. Ah could hear other folk outside, Wully McCoy an the two Lauras an they wur aw gaun,
KIRSTY AN CHRISSIE UP-A TREE -EE
Ah says, Yees are no funny gaunnae sumdy open the door.
Ah wis bangin on the door fur aboot five minutes but naebdy wid open it. It wisnae until ah stopped bangin that ah noticed Chris wisnae sayin anythin. Ah said, Gaunnae you try an get them tae open it. He didnae answer me. Ah said, Haha zis your idea ae a joke anaw well it’s no funny. He still never answert me. Ah said, Gaunnae say somethin cause yir freakin me oot big time here. That wis when he fell tae the floor an startet bangin his heid aff the wall.
Ah wis tryin tae remember whit Chris had said in his talk aboot how tae help sumdy that wis takin a fit but ma mind wis a pure blank. A grabbed wan ae the auld pillas an a put it behind his heid an then ah shoutet at Charlene again tae open the door. She widnae. Ah said, Charlene open the eff-in door noo Chris’s huvin an eppy. Charlene jist laughed. D’yi think ah’m stupit or somethin, she said. CHARLENE OPEN THE FUCKIN DOOR THIS ISNAE A JOKE.
The door wis hurlt open an ah cannae remember whit happent next cause it aw happent dead fast: Wully McCoy wis kneelin doon on the floor an he wis firin questions at me an tellin me tae help get Chris intae the recovery position an ah jist did whit he said; he tolt Charlene tae phone an ambulance but she wis that pished that she couldnae stop laughin an ah think it wis wan ae the Lauras that did it in the end up.
Chris wis rushed tae the hospital an the polis took evrubdy else home. Charlene’s ma wisnae in so she had tae stay at ma hoose. Ma ma wis gaun mental wi me an she said ah wis nothin bit a wee liar fur sayin ah wis gaun tae Harpreet’s. That’s you finished lady, she said after the polis had left, Yir groundet FUR LIFE. Ah thought that’s jist typical, Charlene gets aff scot free again.
Chris Rice is gaunnae be awright. He got let oot the hospital two days later an his ma came roon tae oor hoose wi a big box ae chocolates an a thank you letter. Y’know, she said tae ma ma, The doctor said if it hadnae been fur your Kirsty then ma Christopher coulda done him self a serious injury.
Ah’m only groundet fur a week noo. Charlene’s ma never did find oot whit happent, but Wully McCoy’s da did; he wis pure ragin an he tolt Wully tae dump Charlene.
[Originally published by the Eildon Tree.]